Exploring the Origins: The Journey of Me and Where it All Began- First birth

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a midwife. I'm not sure if it was from the first moment of watching Portland Hospital babies or whether it was just innate. When I say innate, I mean my sister and I always fought over who would be holding the new baby of the family first whether it was a sibling, cousin or even second cousin. I just knew it would always be a part of me and what makes me (if that makes sense).

Things changed for me a little plan wise when we welcomed H (our first born). I was 20 years od ago and I had my own little baby to look after. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, my priorities changed. It's unexplainable the automatic love you have for this little seed of life growing inside you. That feeling of protection, love, care and dedication to adore this new life.

I guess being 19 when I found out we were expecting, I was a little naive and we didn't do any antenatal classes or any prep as a couple really. I attended my midwife appointments and scans but I had seen many people give birth on TV over the years and was near on obsessed with watching the miracle of birth, so i'd be fine........ This baby had to come out and that's what I would do.

It was my nephew's 1st birthday and we were having a little get together. 4 days before my due date and I was feeling great. J was the first grandchild and so it was a big deal that we were celebrating his birthday. An hour or so passed and I started to feel little niggles. B was asking if I was ok and then my mum started to fuss over me too and me being me said "I'm fine, honestly". Well that didn't stop the fussing and with us being about an hour from the hospital we had chosen to birth at, we decided it would be best for us to head home. 20 minutes down the road and we stopped by at B's friend's house so I could use the bathroom. I remember the excitement in B's voice when he told his friend "we think Abbi is in labour, we're going to have the baby soon". It's so funny looking back now on everything having had 2 more babies since. And so we continued our journey home (total of 1hour 15 mins).

That afternoon, the pain got worse and being my first time, we called the birthing unit. I was having regular contractions around 5 mins apart and they seemed painful. We were shown through to a little side room where I was given the use of a TENS machine to help. Things seemed to intensify a little more through the night and I had some leakage of what the midwife described as my hind waters. B at this point was really tired and had a little lay down on the bed :) (as they tend to do i've learnt). By about 3am, the contractions had slowed down nearly to a complete stop and the pain wasn't really there. So with that, they advised me to head home and relax. Because they suspected my hind waters to have gone, they said they would probably call me in later that night if I didn't return in the meantime.

At home, I had a catch up sleep and then things intensified beyond what I thought possible (the naive me again). The pain had me buckled over on the bed with my head in a pillow whilst I was trying to catch my breath between contractions. I remember it being around 3-4pm at this point and so I called the midwife and there response was " Just take a bath and relax. It doesn't seem like your far into the labour as you're able to talk on the phone". I was thinking a little bit of WTF!! I'm in a lot of pain and they said I could come back when things ramped up..... I got in the bath, it didn't really help and the contractions were getting closer together. B called the hospital again around 6pm and they still weren't convinced I was in 'real labour' but appeased me and said I could go in.

It was raining and we weren't entirely sure if I'd make it from the car park to the entrance easily, so B dropped me off at the temporary entrance (as the birthing centre was being renovated/ built). I checked in at the reception and waited from Brad. We were shown to a side room so they could find us a room. I think at this point, they could see the pain I was in, with the walking up onto my toes with each contraction.

Once we got into the room, they hooked me up to a machine and examined me. (We had a birth plan but didn't really have much guidance so it didn't have any details on VE's or any induction specifications but more pain relief and that I wanted a water birth). I was 6CM already and this was approx 7:15pm. They decided to rupture the membranes pretty quickly due to the HW and everything just intesified again (not that I thought that was possible). I can remember the midwife we had. She was an older Jamaican woman who had obviously done the job for a long time and was quite direct.

In regards to pain relief, I used gas and air. This was what I had written in my BP and Brad was under strict instructions to not let me have an epidural. My reasons were due to my sister having complications after hers and just that I had heard of more people going through similar. I had sat on a birthing ball for a little while whilst wearing my chequered button up nightdress. I remember to this day how it rolled away backwards with the big absorbent pad on too.

I got to a point where the midwives asked me to lay down for a little while and I turned to B and said G&A wasn't enough anymore and that I wanted more pain relief, an epidural. He turned to me and said " Abbi, this isn't what you want. You asked me not to let you have one and so I think you should wait to see". This was NOT the answer I wanted to hear with contractions so close together and unbearable. So I asked the midwife what else I could have. "You can have pethidine dear but only as long as we check how dilated you are first. If we give it too close to the birth, then the baby can be really sleepy". So off they went again to perform a VE...... "No, sorry.... you're fully dilated and you need to start pushing". WTAF, I wasn't ready for this..... and i'm not sure B was ready for the next hour and a half of me pushing and him seeing veins in my face in his words "he had never even known existed".

Now thinking back, I did move to the position of arms over the back of the bed but I was also very conscious of where B was as he was under instructions not to look 'down there'. But I ended up on my back again and it was getting on a bit. It had been over an hour of pushing and still no baby. At this point, the midwife had demanded that I lift my legs up under my things and held them myself. This would help me with bearing down and the baby would move down quicker. (I can tell you that the only thing I remember from this was the next 3 days of barely being able to hold my own arms up through the strain).

Panic set in when we hit the 1.5hour mark and we now had a few midwives in the room. B was getting in trouble from the OG midwife as he wasn't holding the fan in the correct place( his claim to all the hardwork during the labour was holding the fan). They instructed that I needed help and asked if I wanted an episiotomy or whether I would be happy to tear. I had not been given any information and so my question was "What will be better?". In my mind, if I was cut, it would be neater and so I said for them to go ahead. As they had prepped the needle to inject the local anaesthetic, they were struggling to find the right vein/ area to place it. Then I had another contraction........ and H's head was born!! No tear and thankfully no episiotomy. I thank my lucky stars every day for this and I honestly think that I just found that extra strength to push as I was so scared about the alternative scenario. It was 11:04pm. Just over 4 hours after getting in the room, my beautiful first born was here. And those feelings of love were beyond anything I can describe.

After this, everything else seems a blur. For at least the next couple of hours anyway. From the first latch to delivering the placenta. Taking my first shower and then nearly crying beacuse the midwife helped B dress H and he was in the wrong outfit that was miles too big. It's insane how much everything changes in an instance. We were now in charge of another human life. This baby was ours and we would take him home..... within 12 hours.

As we were in the consultant led unit, B wasn't able to stay and we were taken to a ward. For the next 8 hours until B would return, I would have no sleep. Every little noise, little mucus gurgle I would be picking him up and continuing to try and feed him. It's so scary the thought that something could go wrong, especially when they have that mucus gurgle. And on top of this tiny human, there's the added stress of bleeding like you've never bled before. Even sitting was uncomfortable...... but it was all worth it for this tiny soul that would in the future months call me "Mama".